Different nighttime routines, snoring, tossing and turning—sleeping next to a partner doesn’t always lead to a great night’s sleep. And according to a new survey, many couples are turning to “sleep divorces” to cope.
The survey, published by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) on July 21, found that about one-third of all U.S. adults don’t share a bed with their partner, or sleep in another space in the house to deal with these mismatched sleep habits.
But are sleep divorces actually the key to help you and your partner get more shut-eye? There’s never a “one size fits all” solution, but experts said the practice can be beneficial.
“Sleeping in separate sleep spaces may lead to improved sleep for both partners,” Seema Khosla, MD, AASM spokesperson and medical advisor for MedBridge Healthcare, told Health. “This is even more effective if both partners disturb each other—for example, one partner snores, wakes up the other partner, who then wakes up the snoring partner with a request to roll over.”
The AASM’s new nationwide survey, conducted between June 5–13, asked 2,007 U.S. adults about their sleeping habits.
The results showed 31% opt for a sleep divorce with their partner. It’s most common for people to sleep in a different space entirely (23% said they did), while 13% said they share a room with their partner, but sleep in a different bed.
This number was highest for Millennial adults ages 35 to 44—nearly 40% said they have a sleep divorce with their partner. On the other end of the spectrum, just 18% of adults 65 and older said the same.
The survey found people are making other changes to accommodate their partners, too:
- 37% choose to go to bed at different times than they’d normally like to
- 15% use a silent alarm to avoid disturbing their partner
Overall, men were more likely than women to adopt these changes, as well as to be the one to move locations in a sleep divorce.
The results are interesting, Khosla said, particularly because this survey centers “the partner who has been disturbed”—it’s more common for discussions to zero in on the partner “with disrupted sleep behaviors” instead.
But, because this is a survey, the data is self-reported. That’s a key limitation, Khosla added, as the respondents weren’t being observed in a controlled experiment.
Sleep divorce is “relevant to our sleep quality,” and is something to be seriously considered if people are looking to improve their sleep, Yue Leng, PhD, MPhil, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of California, San Francisco Bakar Computational Health Sciences Institute, told Health.
Common reasons why someone might choose to not sleep with their partner, Leng said, include:
- Work stress
- Competing work schedules
- Snoring
It’s possible that these issues are more common amongst younger Millennial couples, which could explain their greater embrace of sleep divorces.
But these couples may also simply be “more open and willing to negotiate different aspects of their relationship” compared to older generations, who might assume sleeping apart is an indicator of “something wrong in the relationship,” said Michelle Drerup, PsyD, psychologist and director of Behavioral Sleep Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.
Millennials are “tech-savvy” too, Khosla added, and might be more interested in how to achieve good sleep. They’ve also spent less time “sharing a sleeping space” as compared to couples who’ve been sleeping together for over 60 years, and may not be as adjusted to their partner’s sleeping habits.
Of course, when you’re not sharing a bed with your partner, your risk of being disturbed while you sleep decreases, which may boost your overall sleep quality, Drerup told Health.
“Sleeping separately is often a recommendation I would make when someone has REM sleep behavior disorder, which leads people to experience dream-enactment behaviors, including hitting, kicking, and other sudden, potentially unconscious violent actions that could cause injury to a bed partner,” she said.
However, sleep divorces don’t work for every couple looking to improve their sleep quality.
Sleeping alone may negatively impact some people’s sense of security and safety, Drerup said, causing lighter sleep as they “remain vigilant at night.”
“Having a bed partner present may provide reassurance and decrease sleep disruptions and insomnia,” she added.
And though it’s not necessarily sleep-related, sleep divorces can also “decrease intimacy for some couples,” Drerup said.
Remember that reassessing how a couple sleeps together is healthy—it isn’t necessarily a sign of relationship troubles, Drerup emphasized.
“There should be an open discussion amongst bed partners to discuss what is the best fit for their sleep patterns and life,” she said.
So, if you’re struggling to sleep well at night, talk to your partner about how sleeping separately might work, Khosla said: Is it forever? Is it just during the work week? Would making tweaks like wearing earplugs or adjusting the temperature of the room help solve the problem?
“It very much depends on the work schedule and sleep timing of the bed partners, whether they snore, whether they are likely to have awakenings,” Leng added.
If you do decide to opt for a sleep divorce, make sure to “prioritize time with your bed partner,” Khosla said. You can spend time together in the same bed each evening until you’re ready for sleep—then, move to separate beds.
These changes can help you sleep better, but when you’re part of a couple, some kind of “balance” or concessions may be necessary, Khosla said.
“Not all couples are able to optimize the sleep space that serves their needs, whether it is due to a physical lack of space or the unwillingness of a partner,” she explained. “Compromise is reasonable.”
