Everyone has felt anxious in social situations. You’ve probably stumbled over your words while speaking to someone new, or experienced the jitters of arriving first at an event without a familiar face in sight.
For some people, this anxiety prevents them from being able to socialize without feeling distressed. They may keep canceling on friends, feel panicked before a family birthday lunch, or replay scenes in their mind afterward.
This may point to social anxiety disorder, a persistent, intense anxiety about social situations for fear of being judged negatively or humiliated.
The symptoms of social anxiety disorder typically last around six months or longer, causing distress and preventing a person from living life and enjoying it, according to Dr. Charissa Chamorro, a clinical psychologist and clinical assistant professor at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City.
Around 1 in 9 adults in the United States experience social anxiety disorder at some time in their lives, but many put off seeking support for it. One reason for that is that people may believe their anxiety is just intense shyness or part of their personality.
Social anxiety symptoms can be surprising. We spoke with psychologists about the unexpected signs of the disorder and what to do if you identify these signs in yourself.
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You’re always on your phone in social situations.
Have you ever hidden behind your phone because you felt uncomfortable at a party? Or because you feel awkward waiting for a friend at a crowded subway station?
It’s almost become socially acceptable to use your phone as way to avoid social situations, said Chamorro.
“When people are in social situations, they may be on their phones scrolling, and it’s something that’s seen as very typical now. But it can also mask underlying social anxiety if someone’s really not engaging because of anxiety and using that as an ‘out’,” she said.
Your mind often goes blank during conversations.
“One thing that comes up for people who have social anxiety is your mind might go blank during a conversation, or you don’t know what to say next,” said Chamorro.
There’s a biological reason for that. “When you are in a situation that the brain interprets as being dangerous, your brain enters into a fight, flight or freeze state,” said Chamorro. The brain goes into more of a survival mode, and there’s a pause on higher-level thinking, making it more difficult to think of something to say, she said.
Compliments make you uncomfortable.
Do you squirm when someone offers you a compliment or immediately make a self-deprecating joke to deflect the attention? Difficulty with receiving praise can be a sign of social anxiety, according to Chamorro.
“People with social anxiety often feel very vulnerable in social situations,” she said. When they receive attention, even positive attention, “they may feel more visible.” They believe this sets them up for being judged, or even “increases the pressure to perform to that level in the future.”
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You’re overly polite and aware of others.
“Anecdotally, people who are high in any dimension of anxiety are often really conscientious,” said Chamorro. They over-apologize or always defer to other people and ask what they want to do.
It can be seen as being self-aware and careful of others’ feelings, noted Chamorro, but if it is happening excessively and all the time, this may hint at some underlying anxiety.
Thinking excessively about what you said and did.
It’s normal to wish you had said something differently after an awkward encounter with somebody. But when you find yourself repeatedly going over interactions in your mind for hours or days on end, this is called post-event rumination, Chamorro said.
It can look like ringing people up the next day and checking if what you said to them yesterday was OK, added Dr. Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist based in California.
Not only is post-event rumination a sign of social anxiety, but “research has shown that it can reinforce anxious beliefs and increase anxiety about future social situations, because people tend to focus on the most negative aspect of a social exchange when they’re ruminating,” said Chamorro.
You turn down A LOT of opportunities to socialize.
We all sometimes need a weekend of hibernation, taking a much-needed rest in the comfort of home and a break from social outings.
But if you have social anxiety, you may do this excessively, avoiding any face-to-face catch-ups for weeks on end. The thought of meeting people may fill you with a sense of dread.
“If you’re saying ‘no’ to every invitation you get, if you’re regularly avoiding going to social outings,” it may be a way to avoid feeling the anxiety, said Cook.
Your stomach feels funny before social events.
That sudden urge to poop just before leaving the house for a hangout? It might be due to anxiety.
Some people experience stomach discomfort and have to go to the toilet when their social anxiety spikes, said Cook. “It’s very common, but people don’t always associate it with anxiety,” she said.
You need alcohol to “loosen up” every time.
Cook said that sometimes people feel so socially anxious at events that they “either feel like they have to drink alcohol to take the edge off of this anxiety so they can be present,” or they are worried people will dislike them if they don’t drink alcohol.
You endlessly ask questions without sharing about yourself.
A person with social anxiety fears they will be judged negatively in social situations.
They may be so afraid of not being liked by the other person that they avoid sharing anything about themselves, just in case they say the wrong thing, Cook said.
Instead, they “keep all the focus on the other person so that they don’t have to disclose anything and don’t have to be vulnerable,” she noted. They may not even realize this is what they’re doing.
You want every part of the interaction to be perfect.
Whereas post-event rumination involves being preoccupied with what you did and said after an interaction, some people with social anxiety go into interactions with a belief that every line of the conversation needs to be perfect, said Cook.
“Perfectionism can really come out,” said Cook. You either freeze and avoid saying anything at all if you deem it not clever or funny enough, or you start talking more to overcorrect, she said.
What can you do to decrease your social anxiety?
It is a good idea to seek out a mental health professional who specializes in social anxiety disorder if your anxiety is persistent, if you’re experiencing distress, or if it prevents you from connecting with people the way you want to or from living life and enjoying it, said psychologists.
Chamorro suggested finding a mental health professional who does cognitive behavioral therapy with an exposure component. Or if you feel up to it, Cook advised trying group therapy for social anxiety, which is also effective
“By identifying situations where your fear didn’t come true, you challenge the idea that it’s a universal truth. This helps you see that your thought might be overly generalized or distorted.”
Even if you’re not seeking treatment, there are some ways you can manage your symptoms of anxiety in social situations:
First, “label that anxious part of you with compassion,” advised Chamorro. Rather than saying “I am so awkward,” reframe it to “a part of me feels anxious in social situations, and that’s OK. Everybody feels anxious sometimes.”
Next, counter your critical thoughts. If your thought is “everyone thinks I’m boring,” ask yourself: What evidence is there that supports this? What evidence is there that counters this? Can you recall a time when this thought didn’t seem true?
“By identifying situations where your fear didn’t come true, you challenge the idea that it’s a universal truth,” said Chamorro. “This helps you see that your thought might be overly generalized or distorted.”
Give yourself microchallenges to retrain your brain.
While it may go against every fiber of your being, Chamorro encouraged approaching the social situations instead of avoiding them.
“Research really supports gradual, intentional exposure therapy as the gold standard treatment for social anxiety,” she said.
Do tiny challenges in low-stakes situations, said Chamorro, like staying a couple of minutes longer in a conversation, or making eye contact with the barista when you order a coffee.
“You’re taking steps to retrain your brain so that it learns that the anxiety isn’t dangerous and that you can handle it,” said Chamorro.
After you do a challenge like that, allow the anxiety to rise and fall, Chamorro advises. Knowing that the anxiety will eventually peter out can help many people feel less anxious.
But you can also use a grounding technique that engages one or more of your senses. In a pinch, Chamorro recommends the “5-4-3-2-1” grounding exercise: Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
While you’re in conversation with somebody, it may be tricky to do this discreetly, but you can do a modified version. You could break eye contact for a few seconds, looking around the room, then return to the conversation, said Cook. You could ask the person if they want to get a snack or drink and walk to the bar together. As you’re doing this, you’re giving yourself a chance to “see” other things, like the drinks menu or snack spread, and a chance to “touch” something, like the bar table or a fork.
“A lot of times, people are very self-critical about having social anxiety. They really beat themselves up about it,” Chamorro said. “I hope people realize they’re not alone and that it is treatable.”
